Appreciatings

[CoreEssence]

Ok, some simple things to get me started writing.

Beautiful, blue skies. Clear, with a few puffs of cotton being blown away by the wind.

The color purple right in front of me. It is bright and vibrant.

The box that is colored purple—the game lost for words. The memory of Christmas Day when we all played it together and the fun we had.

Recognizing that this is still mental, and I’d like it to percolate deeper still—within the felt sense.

Talking with R today. That was fun, so much fun. Loved hearing her experiences of Helsinki. I am excited about her story, and this project of hers. Her excitement inspired me as well. Maybe I CAN finish this story. I love the idea of it!

That A “loved” the suggestion I made about jumping ships, and taking the 3 months off, and then joining something new, and then changing again while taking 3 months off again. Ha. That idea tickles me so much! I love how a random comment overheard on the train made me think of that!

Ooh, yes—I am enjoying more of this felt sense of satisfaction in my body.

I am looking forward to all my client work! I am looking forward to getting in the zone, and bringing into confluence the three energies—mine, the universal energy field and the client’s.

I am enjoying the thought of sacred space. Oh, I LOVE THE CEREMONY WE DID on January 1! I love how the idea occurred to me because I wanted to do something together as a family to mark the beginning of a new year, something that would allow us to marinate ourselves in the energy of a new beginning. I love how the five point rhythm thing didn’t work out and yet it gave me the PERFECT IDEA! A CEREMONY OF MY OWN! I am chuckling at the thought of telling my classmates about it! I love how the school has made me come to appreciate ceremonies and rituals as permission gateways to allow—nay, to feel, sacredness as a lived feeling in my body, in the moment, in a community. I am so glad I got to do this with my family!

I adore how n wanted to video tape the whole thing! Ooh, I have to tell my mom about it! I bet she would actually watch the whole video. The makeshift altar with its red and gold was beautiful. The candles were perfect. The incense was so good, and the ending playlist of indigenous music was just so spot-on for the vibe!

A’s personal item was perfect! A 4-inch stump from the Christmas tree. I loved being grateful, and also invoking blessings upon ourselves. I so loved setting our intentions together both as a family and as individuals. I love my intention—to be here, now, and enjoy this moment rather than think about the 101 other things I need to get to. I loved a’s about completing, and n’s intention to allow himself to feel the difficult feelings in his body and to invite them in.

I love the idea I had to do a little ceremony together as a family for each of our birthdays too. I love that we created/are creating our own traditions which is an amalgam of the best of all the cultures and traditions that we are a part of and know about.

I do so like how I feel right now! Ok, on to the next thing!

[CoreEssence]

Today I appreciate being really perfectly bundled up so that I can enjoy the artic like temperatures rather than freeze my butt off! The layering was perfect. The ear muffs were perfect. I didn’t feel hampered or stifled—it was right clothes, worn the right way. Yes, please!

The delicious corn toast my neighbor gave was just perfect for brekkie! Yes, please!

I did time-planning! After seeing N do it, and seeing it work for him, I wanted to do it too. I like how it lays out all the things—those I would like to do and those that I wouldn’t but still need to be done.

I am so inspired by how N writes down EVERYTHING he wants to do—including the things he isn’t that hot for (showers! Mom-instituted looking outta the window for a bit!). And of course, there is his dancing time and free-bird time too. I was thinking today how. . . he doesn’t resent what isn’t exactly his first choice but just incorporates it with the rest of the stuff. (There’s a learning here for me which is related to my own immature child consciousness. I’d like to become clearly aware of it please, Self. Thank you.)

I am so inspired by this. I don’t want to run away from the chores of my life. I’d rather include them and weave them in what feels like other non-chores things. I want to shift the way I look at these things which are “chores” and feel like a “burden.” Yes, please.

I am appreciating the bonkers-delicious dinner that I cooked yesterday. How was it so good and so spot on! I love having the right inspiration at the right time to create the perfect dishes. Yes, please!

I am appreciating coming back to focused appreciation. I like how it gets my energy moving and makes me feel satisfied in a pretty visceral way. Yes, please.

[CoreEssence]

This day is turning out better than I thought in the morning. There was so much to do, and I was thrown off by the snowsuit being ripped, and it was one more thing I had to do, and yet. . . and yet, there is a spring in my step, I am feeling good. My healing went well. I was able to prepare beforehand—the client requested a delay which was perfect. I thought of making notes on voice memo which was faster than writing, and I can now write the notes later at my leisure.

Somewhere. . . I started trusting that things would work out for me. That even though I have masses to do, I am supported? It isn’t an intellectual logic in the mental body, but somehow, somewhere today it has started become a felt sense, an actual feeling in my body. That somehow it is possible to weave in all the craziness I wanna do in an out through all the myriad busy-ness of my life. It feels. . . it feels helluva fun. I got to do the prep work I wanted to do for dinner. Heck, I even made time to write this down, and I am getting it done. I’m gonna pick N up earlier to go to Patagonia. Oh I HAVE SO MUCH APPRECIATION FOR THAT COMPANY! I was anyway a fan and now they have a customer for life in me.

Ok.

I like this knowing. Not a mental body thing but a grounded in my body sensate feeling—maybe, I can trust the world. Maybe I can trust things to work out for me. I love feeling this deep within my body, almost as if it is sprouting in the rich, fertile soil of my essence. As if I am finally ready to throw the coverings off, and let the sun shine down on this tiny piece of my so-far dark land.

Oh, YES. Please and thank you. And so, it is!

[CoreEssence]

I am deeply grateful to have this community of bbsh classmates and teachers. I love how I was doing the stuff of my life and then wham! I was in that space as soon as I zoomed in and caught L’s attunement, even though it was 15 mins in.

I am so so so so so deeply grateful for this program. S was right, it is very hard to articulate how this program changes your life. I am a different person from who I was when I started this 2.5 yrs ago. I am thankful, and deeply appreciative of the consistent and constant metamorphosis that I am experiencing.

I love the awareness I have of my defenses. And I love L’s suggestion to track it, to see what pattern emerges. I was getting into my habitual behavior with mom, and then it occurred to me to observe my defense that was active in the moment, and as soon as I became aware of it, it softened, and I could let go of the defense, and be open and present to my mom in a much more fuller way. What a gift this is, to move this way in the world. To be aware of my defenses, tweak it in the moment, and show up more fully present, and with more of my essence.

I noted the defenses that cropped up as I was interacting with N, and then with A. And I loved telling A about today’s class, and then rather than huffing away and withdrawing, telling him how I found that particular behavior hurtful.

I love that a & n are now showering with some rock music running in the background.

I love that I feel. . . I feel like two weeks have passed since last Saturday. So much happens it feels, and this feeling has followed me for the last few years, of stuffing a few years’ worth of experience into one. I kinda like that.

I love love love how much fun we had yesterday. How N had his playdate while k, J, and I had ours. I love that J said they really did not want to leave at all. I love that we had no idea where time flew away. I love that the kids’ had SO MUCH FUN with snap circuits. I love that everyone enjoyed the mooli parathas, and the beetroot-carrot sabji that I made with panchphoran. I love having THIS community circle too. Of mom friends with whom it feels like I have deep, meaningful connections and who are a support group as well. I am grateful and that I have 3 such friends in K, J, and M.

I love that I have slowly increasing community circles that I enjoy myself in. there is my school group, n’s friends’ mom group, my neighbors and the other women group, the people a used to work with who are now friends and with whom we meet up a few times over the year, j & n and their kids and the stuff we do together including the play we are going to see tomorrow, my high school friends group, and of course fam-jam. Wow, I really am deeply blessed. I am rich in people I enjoy spending time with. Huh. I did not realize that.

I am . . . ha, that was 555 words. Ok, there’s other stuff. I am going to let it move through me to see what emerges.

[CoreEssence]

I like the idea that this is my sacred space—this time in the morning. Even when I am doing whatever needs to be done, I am doing it from that place of this is my sacred space. Including writing this, feeling this. I like that.

I like tuning in to the ambient white noise and feeling myself quiet down. I like that.

I like using happy-healthy, natural salves and ointments and creams. I like that.

I like my one-week sugar fast. I like feeling less packed in my body, as if there is more space within me. I like that feeling.

I like wanting to understand what a means by being kind to him. I like wanting to practise that with him.

I like tracking my defenses, and feeling the ah-ha, and the various softenings that thus occur throughout the day, throughout my body.

I like listening to my body—not stuffing it. And experimenting to see what feels good. I like the idea of doing some kind of cleanse once a month. I like that I am cutting out added sugar for this week.

I like that these cleanses affect the energy field which in turn affects. . . well everything, doesn’t it.

I like my desire to have a more intimate relationship with food, even beyond what I already have. To feel the energetic signatures, and to build and develop the skill I already have of knowing which food, with what other food group and which flavor. I am dreaming of delicious food as a source of nurturance for my body and the ones of those I love.

I love that at its basis food is chemistry and whatever I eat and put in my body or on my body affects the chemical balance of my body. I love the balance of intentionality, attention and the actual ingredient.

I like knowing that each ingredient has its own energetic vibration. I like how I am attracted to some things, and not really wanting others.

I love the thought, the care, the intentionality I put in our meals. And I love the fun I have planning, prepping, cooking. I love that my son loves all the different kinds of food we eat. That he loves vegetables of all kinds. That I LOVE veggies of all kinds! And I absolutely love getting the local, seasonal produce to cook with. I love how that makes me feel more in tune with the natural rhythm of nature. I like that.

I am going to continue sacred-space-ing and see how long I can sustain it. And so, it is.

[CoreEssence]

I like this weeklong sugar fast that I’ve been doing. Yesterday I ate 1-2 bites of the crepe that M gave. . . and it was ok. Nothing great. And the best thing was, I didn’t even feel like eating more of it. I am thinking I want to parlay this reset into something more. After this week is done, maybe being mindful of how many times I am eating sugar. Maybe only eat the things I bake or make. Ooh, maybe the next experiment could be seeing if I can eat only a couple of bites and how does that make me feel—do I have a craving to eat more? Or am I done? (Oh, and I have loved eating the cashews and cacao nibs and raisins and mulberries when the sugar craving has been hitting me this week! I LOVE how sated I feel after I have that crunchy snack!) I really like knowing that doing a sugar fast is not that big a deal for me. It was easy. The only exception I made was the chai which had to have sugar!

I appreciate the fun conversation I had with Ml today on the way back. And I am appreciating this native American flute music that is playing in the background right now. I like this whole playlist that someone’s made. So much appreciation to them—it’s exactly the kind of music that makes me feel as if I am entering and am inside a sacred space.

I love the awareness I had when I sat down to quiet my mind for seven minutes. I became aware of how my energy was tipped way forward because there was an element of needing to hurry, tick this box off, because I have so many other things I need to do to. I love how tracking that made me pull my energy back and I dropped deeper down into my butt and my legs and the instant relief and softness that spread over me. I appreciate that.

I enjoyed the conversation with s yesterday. Oh, and I LOVE the way I tracked and tweaked my energy and the way I was talking with her and the instant shift that happened as a result. I love how I became aware of my own slight feeling of panicking, and then as I thought of it for a second it was clear that the helplessness was because it felt like she wasn’t really understanding any of what I was telling her. And I just knew I should slow down, and oh as soon as I did, the whole tenor changed, and I felt how what I was saying immediately started landing with her. God, I love this work. I love the awareness of my wound, and my defenses and my mask, and I love when I come alive to it in the moment. And I love when I am able to bring healing to myself in the moment. And I love how of course, as soon as I bring the healing response to myself, the other responds right away. I love love love doing this work.

I also want to acknowledge my sadness about L’s email. I want to reach out to her and express how I am feeling while also acknowledging the great responsibility she is shouldering which must have led to some of these decisions. I do make space for this sadness as well because going away like this for 5 days, 5 times a year has been cathartic for me—not just the actual work but the whole part about simply breaking the routine, and getting to immerse myself in that environment has been super helpful. I want to respond and not react to the changes that are coming next year. I want to feel the sadness and then let it create perhaps something even more magnificent than what I have experienced so far.

I have so much appreciation for The Adventures of Amina al-Sifari. What an exhilarating read. That book has given me writer goals. . . and I admit I feel absolutely and totally inadequate about ever being able to write something like that. Yes. . . I feel woefully inadequate. And I make space for that. Hi, that part of me which feels like you aren’t enough. Remember? I am not perfect, but I AM enough. And yes, I feel inadequate because I don’t know how to do it, and I accept that. Hmm. . . maybe I can think about what are the aspects I like about this work? -I am blown away by the fact that everything is actually historically accurate! -I am blown away by the sheer research that S. Chakraborty has put into the work. -I love how detailed and how vivid each scene is. -I love that the setting calls to me, speaks to me. -I love the characters. Oh how much do I love a woman pirate captain as a character! -I love how well plotted the book is -I love . . . hmm, maybe once I am done, I can simply reread the book, this time reading with a more critical eye than simply for the pleasure and the plot? I’d like that! I do like having a destination and a goal that I would like to move towards! (even though I am unsure of the path! Hi, uncertainty, I’d like to really embrace you at some point!)

Ok, enough for now!