Quotes on Pleasing Others

[spiritualcookie]

Stop people-pleasing habits by building momentum on a new intent

Hotseater asks how he can stop being a people pleaser. He feels he can't help himself but say "yes" to things even when he doesn't want to do them.

Abraham:
Coming from a position, as most of the physical world has come, from a position of acting first and going about life backwards, it will take a little bit of transition to get it squared away.

In other words, you can't fix it from an action standpoint.
That is the reason why you said "yes" instead of "no".
Your decision to say "no" only happened in that moment.
Your decision to say "yes" has been going on for many years.

Your dominant intent is to please others.
Your action always follows your dominant intent.
And so, what is required for your action to be altered is that you must change your dominant intent - making your intent first, to please yourself.

- AH

[spiritualcookie]

The problems of being a people pleaser:

You say "yes yes yes" out of habit,
and then you resent it.
Then you beat up on them for asking.
Then you feel like you've gotten pushed into a corner.
You say "yes" to things you really mean "no" to.
And then you resent it, and so you are filled with negative emotion.

And so even though you have said "yes" to something that you believe you should do, or you wouldn't have said "yes", it turns out to be a negative thing, because you are filled with negative resentment.

- AH

[spiritualcookie]

How to say "no" when you're a people-pleaser

There are only two hindrances to your deliberate creation. Only two worth mentioning.

One is influence from others,
and the other is your own habits.

You have an old habit of always saying "yes".
You have an old habit of saying "yes" even to your own detriment.
And you also have a habit of seeking approval from others.
And so, you have pretty well got both of those hindrances very well adapted into your experiences.

Here is the way to get rid of it:
By Segment Intending, by doing more deliberate intending of what you want.

(...)

As you are going to a gathering where you are interacting with any other, set forth your intention to have a good time.

Start from the inside out.

Think in terms of how you are wanting to feel or be.

"I want to have a good time.
I want to be clear.
I want to feel good.
I want to feel strong
I want to feel sure
I want to..."

Talk about the things you are wanting to feel.
You can do it in seconds.

And then move into the areas of having:

"I am wanting to have conversations that uplift.
I am wanting to have..." whatever.

Whatever the occasion is, you would be better at knowing what you are wanting to have.

And then, having just set forth that much intention, you have enough momentum going toward the satisfying of you, that when another comes to you and is asking you to do something that you know the action will not have satisfied what is within you, you will feel appreciation for them, and you will say something such as,

"I am so pleased that you think enough of me to ask, and I really thank you.
It is very much of a compliment that you are asking me to do this,
but I have a very full agenda right now.
And I'm so much wanting to take care of these important issues in my experience right now, that I just feel that doing one more thing might diffuse my Energy enough that I would not do you a good job, and I wouldn't do me a good job either.
But thank you so much."

Now you have left them feeling very good.
Because they have complimented you, you have felt good about it, and you're not feeling like you're running away.

You see, when you feel bad about what you're doing, you ooze it.
And so, if you are saying things that make you feel good, then you can please you and please them too.
They will walk away saying:
"That is a very nice man, and he has a very good reason."
They wouldn't walk away saying,
Oh that lazy bugger. He could do it if he wanted to."
They would walk away feeling the power because you are clear about what you are doing.



- Abraham

[spiritualcookie]

How to stop other people overpowering you with their wishes

Well, that is what Segment Intending will do for you if you will stop anytime you realize you are going into a new segment - which simply means a block of time when your intentions are different - if you will stop and say,
"What am I wanting to feel in this segment?
What am I wanting to have here?
What am I wanting to do?"
It will come forth to you very quickly and then you will not be swept up by the influence of someone else's intentions.

If you're not deliberate and they are, they'll overpower you every time.
It is Law.
It is momentum.


- AH

-

Why we can get into People-Pleasing tendencies

You have all witnessed another who wants very much to feel good about self.

It is innate within you.
You want to appreciate yourself because when you appreciate yourself, that feeling of well-being that oozes out of you is glorious.

And so, out of that wanting to appreciate yourself [that the people-pleasing behaviour starts].

Sometimes you are fortunate enough, by the power of your wanting, to attract another into your experience who is already appreciating himself, and so he has enough to give you.
By his appreciation of himself, he can appreciate you, which by Law of Attraction extracts that feeling of appreciation out of you.
[You have pleased him, he appreciates you, and this inspires you to feel your own appreciation for yourself.]

And so then you say, "Ah it feels good to be appreciated."

And so, then you still don't understand what happened.
You don't understand that this one drew it out of you.
[That it as YOUR OWN appreciation of yourself that you enjoyed feeling, not his!]

And so, now you are running around looking for approval.
[Looking to please others]
You seek it. You want it.


- Abraham

[spiritualcookie]

Wanting to please others can get in the way of your own creations because it creates split energy

[When you worry about pleasing others,] some of that belief about what could be, you began sending in the other direction.

You said, "I want to be rich and famous -
but I also want to have friends
and they don't seem to go together.

I want to be powerful,
but I don't want to be so powerful that others feel ineffective.

I want to be powerful, I want to have all the things that I want
but I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb in a world of thus who cannot create very well."

And what began to occur, what happened, is that your lack of belief in the ability of others -
because you sensed their jealousy whenever they saw you believing -
caused you to believe that you could do it by yourself -
but that when you work with somebody else,
they're going to mess it up.
That is all that it is. (...)

When all of your thought is going toward what you are wanting, it is yours. (...)
By virtue of the influence that has touched you, you have allowed your energies to be split.


- Abraham

[spiritualcookie]

Instead of caring how others feel about you, care how YOU feel!

When you are responding to the way others seem to feel about you, you have no control.

However, when you are more interested in how YOU FEEL than how they feel about you,
you do have control of your experience. (...)

Once you have made a decision that nothing is more important than that you feel good, and you have decided that you are going to consciously look for some things to appreciate today, the object of your attention has now become the feeling of appreciation.


- Abraham Hicks

[Paradise-on-Earth]

You'r never in the wrong place.
But sometimes you'r in the right place,
looking at things in the wrong way.

Abraham Hicks

[spiritualcookie]

When you seek feeling good by pleasing others, you're " looking for love in all the wrong places "

Almost all of you are trained by your parents and by society and by your teachers and even by your lovers;
that their response to you should matter to you more than anything else.

So they train you - well meaning but still -
they train you, that if you behave in a way that doesn't please them
then they let you know it.

And if you behave in a way that does please them then they let you know that.

But it doesn't let you build YOUR grid
because you're working on THEIRS all the time!

In other words you're doing everything you can to keep mama happy,
or to keep lover happy,
to keep the government happy,
to keep your employer happy...

[But what you should really tend to is that YOU feel good by closing the gap between you and your Inner Being.] (...)

Well most people aren't aware of this.
they're not tending to this,
they're tending to this [pleasing of others].

"How can I make her happy?
What can I do for her?
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
Because I'm getting my feedback from your response to me
instead of getting my feedback from [my Inner Being's] response to me.

So that's why it can go along fine:
Everything can look like it's doing good;
you're jumping through the hoops in all the right ways;
you're reasonably happy
but you feel this emptiness because you're not tending to this [relationship between you and your Inner Being]. (...)

There is a disconnect.
You're not allowing yourself to feel fully all that Source feels
because you haven't been tuning yourself consciously to the feeling of Source.
You've been tuning yourself consciously to the feeling of manifestations
to the feeling of conversations with other humans...(...)

You want to go so general that you allow yourself to connect to the Source within you.
And it is only when you are in alignment - completely in alignment with who you are -
that you can then [no longer feel empty].

- Abraham
From the youtube clip: Abraham Hicks - Feeling Empty & Uncertain (May 2017)

[Paradise-on-Earth]

"When people are miserable, happy people are annoying to them."

-Abe

[Paradise-on-Earth]

Observing "what-is" tends to only regurgitate what we already believe.
(Reactivating resistance).

HS:
Is there some kind of a pre-destiny in following that inner guidance, that inner path?

Abe:
Only in this sense: It was decided, or known, as you were making the decision to come into this body, that

You're a creator.
And that through your exploration, you would expand.
And that expansion is necessary and delicious.

But we would call that predetermined or pre-decided by you, intentionality.

HS:
By me -me-, or me -my Inner Self me-?

Abe:
You, your Inner Self.

HS:
Both of us? Teamwork?

Abe:
At that time, there was no split in you, because you hadn't come into consciousness that could think independently. So you said "step one is: I will think independently. I will know what I don't want. I will know what I do want! And in my independent thought, I will discover things that I do not want, and in the discovery of what I don't want, I will simultaneously discover what I do want, because every component of the universe has
wanted and absence of wanted within it."

And you knew that, and you said: "Sometimes it is necessary for life to show me what I don't want, before I can even know what I do want! Because it has to be personal."

So, when life shows you what you don't want, and then you know what you do want- you've launched that rocket of clarity. And you, and therefore we, have reached into a new place where we have never been before! And we immediately go there, because we have no resistance. You are slower in coming along, because you've got beliefs that keep you from immediately going there.

But when your desire for feeling good becomes stronger, than holding to a belief that you don't care about... The other day, we've been telling this story. We may even have told it to you directly! Esther was in Del Mar. She has a house there. She hadn't been there in months, she was sitting at her desk, looking out where the ocean should have been, and couldn't see the ocean. And she realized that in the months that she'd been gone, the trees had grown in, and the bushes from the side had completely obscured her view from sitting at the desk!

Which was why the desk was there. So her gardeners came later that day, and she said: "I'm blocking my own view. Could you guys trim this edge, so that I can see the ocean?" And they said: "Happily!" and then they said: "But there are trees down in the ravine, that might be part of what you're seeing!" and Esther said: "Well, I only own half of that ravine. Just be sure that it's on my property." and they said "We've got you covered!" -and off Esther went to lunch with her friend. They were gone many hours. They shopped and ate and explored, and when Esther came back, she walked onto her deck and went in and looked out the window, and the ocean was back.

She was so happy to see it! Then she looked out a little way on the hillside, up very close to neighboring property, and saw something that made her gasp: Two very large tree stumps. Cut all the way down to the ground. And Esther thought: "How in the world did that happen?? I thought i was so clear!" and then Esther began feeling guilty right away, and so sorry. And then she tried to make herself feel better, and she thought:
"Well, that house is under construction. Maybe it's new people, and they don't know those trees were there!" -so she worried about it for a day or two, off and on, whenever she thought about it.

And then one day, she looked out and she saw a man in a suit standing out on that patio- it's across the ravine, Esther's never been over to that house- standing in a suit, looking at the tree stumps. And then he took his phone out, and took a picture of them, and Esther thought: "I better go confess." But she'd never been over there before, so she didn't know how to get there. Is that a road down, that leads up? Or road up, that leads down? It took her a while to get there. And when she got there, he was already gone. But on her way over, she had practiced her confession: "I didn't mean to do that, and I'm so sorry! But I did do it. And I will make it up to you, in whatever way you want! I'll plant new trees. I'll landscape your whole yard- whatever makes you feel better. I am so sorry!"

-But he wasn't there. So she didn't deliver her speech. So she just went home, and continued to practice it. And then, a day or two later, she went with her friend off to lunch again, and when they got back she said to him: "Look what I did!" -took him out on the patio and pointed at the trees. And her friend said what? "Esther, your gardeners didn't cut those trees down, while we were at lunch! Why isn't the hillside all torn up? Where is the debris from the trees?"

And Esther thought: Hey! and then they walked out to the edge, and she looked up close to her property, and there was a very small stump with all the debris from it lying right there, where they had cut it. And all that had happened is, the gardeners had cut down a little tree that let Esther see things, she wasn't used to seeing. And Esther thought: "It's embarrassing that I believed something so dumb! It was completely illogical. It didn't make any sense at all, that those two men in three or four hours... they would have had to have a helicopter and a saw, and just cut it off at the bottom and carried the whole thing away!"

There was no possible way that that could have happened. But Esther believed that she had done that. The circumstantial evidence was such. The way it had unfolded in her experience- she believed something, that was truly illogical. It shook her up! Esther said: "I bet there's all kinds of really dumb things that I believe, like that, that are in my way! That I just keep carrying forward, for no good reason. Because circumstances just make that the path of least resistance, relative to the momentum that I've got going."

And so, you do- all of you- have many beliefs that you are nurturing, that you continue to keep active. that prevent you from your true reception of what's truly going on. Here's a very powerful statement:

If your desire is strong enough, any belief that's in its way, will fall by the wayside.
But most of you -because of your attention to other humans, and your desire to find mutuality with them, you choose harmony with beliefs that don't serve you- rather than upset them.

Rather than harmony with the beliefs that your Inner Being holds about you, that serve you completely, you don't want to be a freak. You don't want to be a pollyanna. You don't want to believe things that most people don't believe.

You want to believe the circumstantial evidence, because most of you are conditional.
We mean: You, meaning humans, are conditional in your thinking! So you keep observing what-is, and you keep bringing the vibration of what-is forward, even though your very existence means, you are here to create new.

You're not here to regurgitate what's already here!
You are here to become freer. To become wholer. To become newer. To feel better!

You didn't come to regurgitate what-is, and yet, most of those around you are true regurgitators.
And if you stand out not as a regurgitator, sometimes they want to call you weird or freak or pollyanna, or "not facing reality".

HS:
Aren't those regurgitated beliefs manifestations as well (Abe: they are!) ...from something, that happened when you were five or six years old?

Abe:
Something happened 20 years ago, and if you didn't keep thinking about it, it would completely be out of your vibration- within three days! But because you talk about it, you keep bringing it forward 19 years, 18 years, 17 years, 15 years... and so, here it is. Right here, still active in your vibration, even though it has no relevance other than the relevance that you've given it, because you keep it active in your vibration!

So it continues to be in the way of what you want. but your blessed Inner Being- even though your Inner Being knows that you've got things in your way, your Inner Being is always looking for a path of least resistance to call you around it! Over and under it. In other words, to show you that you can get to where you want to be, no matter what beliefs that you hold. But isn't it nice, when you are willing to acknowledge that you have beliefs that are in your way, that are not valid? And what we're saying to you, with this segment, is:

The less you try to find mutuality with the girls in the nail salon, because they're lovely they are lovely and there are positive aspects... Esther one day realized, we've been talking about positive aspects for as long as she can remember. And somehow she was thinking that what we meant was -in every situation, or in every individual, there are positive and negative aspects, so line up the positive ones, line up the negative ones, and focus on the positive ones... and all of a sudden, she understood what we really meant. We meant:

Focus upon any aspect that causes you to feel good, while you focus upon it!

It's not an evaluation. It's not a determining what's positive, and what's negative! It's looking for mutuality with your inner being. It's looking for what feels good when you find it, you see!

HS:
And what feels good- a positive desire can blast out an old negative belief!

Abe:
Because, you see, every individual is like the universe at large. Within every particle of the universe is wanted and absence of it. So, in every individual, there are aspects of them that you want to find mutuality with, and aspects of them that you don't. But most people want the other to change, to be mutual to you, rather than just looking for what is mutual. Or looking somewhere else to find it! Oh, you could be living such wonderful lives, if you would realize, that in every place you look, there is mutuality. And it's up to you, to find it. But when the first thing you do, is find something that's missing- then you harmonize with what you're mutual on, that takes you away from your Inner Being. And then, you struggle and need them to change, so that you can feel better. You got that, didn't you?

HS:
Yeah. Is that... is that mutuality? Because part of me attracted like, some negativity, and part of me attracted some positivity. and everything that I... I attract to myself.

Abe:
That's a perfect statement. Because you've attracted it all.
Nothing is coming to you, that you haven't attracted. But here's the thing: You could be in a place of true alignment. Maybe you've been meditating for a while, and you're tuned in, tapped in, turned on, and you are in alignment, and in that alignment, you attract someone to you- let's say an individual to you, who has that mutuality.

In other words, that person has that potential or maybe even that going on actively, right here right now, and even though they might have a whole lot of other things that you don't want to think about ,or that you don't want to be mutual with, doesn't matter. You are focused upon and active about the thing that does, until you get so nosy about everything, about that person. You meet new people, law of attraction brings you together, and the first thing you do, is: "Tell me about yourself!" and we're in the background, saying: "Don't do that!! Let the law-of-attraction- mutuality be what carries you!"

Don't look around for other things that you might be mutual about, because you might find all kinds of things that neither one of you want to have active in your vibration, that you're mutual about! Because you have all kinds of things within you, that you don't want to be active in your vibration right now. Helpful?

HS:
Yeah, that makes sense, too. Yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Abe:
So, what is life, really? What is it?

Life really is you, seeking alignment with who you really are.
You, seeking alignment with who you really are, you seeking alignment with who you really are, until you discover:
You know when you're satisfied. And when you're not, then moving out and let law of attraction bring to you things that are important to you.

HS:
Well, that's what brought up that predestination I was thinking about. Jerry, manifesting through his own questioning a lot of this, right here... (Abe: yes!) ...and was that like, his Inner Being, calling him into it? (Abe: No question!) ...This is where he's going to, and he just had to... (Abe: No question.) ...allow that to happen and go through his experiences, to get in line with that?

Abe:
Sometimes, when you really want to know something, your Inner Being calls you right through contrasting experiences, in order to inspire you to ask for the thing, that you most want. It's also good: Everything is always working out for you!

from the youtube- clip "Is Pre-Destiny Real | Abraham Hicks | LOA (Law of Attraction)"