My Diary

[abrahammer117]

Something that's going really well is how quickly I am catching it when I start beating myself up.
When I spot it I can quickly release it my listening to sounds instead of thinking

Reminds me of something from getting into the vortex ' stop beating yourself up and stop measuring your progress. When you find yourself doing any of that, remind yourself that you are taking care of all that's to be taken care of in your daily tuning sessions'

Heard again from Hicks today the idea that your creations are already 99.9% done and that last 0.1% is just you getting happy about whatever it is.
The meaning of that landed for the first time today.

[abrahammer117]

Day 2: 30 mins breathing meditation on prayer stool first thing
Day 1: Dopamine fasting mornings - no internet / email / phone etc. until 10.00am

So! as always up and down but can feel things moving.
Yesterday I tried my first 30min breathing meditation on my prayer stool for many months, maybe over a year?
The time went really quick and it seemed to break through a glass ceiling in my mind that led to a relaxation throughout my body that made me feel almost paralysed and I very cosily crashed on the sofa for a couple of hours. It's a funny feeling because in quieting my mind that much, I think it shut down a process that's been running constantly in my mind for so long which is 'mentally trying to be a bit happier'. So I was feeling tremendous relief but also fully allowing myself to feel that I was both knackered and a little sad. Starting breathing meditation changed my life 20 years ago and it feels right to be going back to my roots with it.

For a long time I've felt like I can't do breathing meditation any more - I always find a way to strain at it rather than relax into it. But all the ambient sound meditation has taught me how to just allow the sensations in. When I do breathing meditation like I do ambient sound meditation it goes well.

[abrahammer117]

Day 1: morning review every day (how much fun was it?)
Day 6: 30 minute breathing meditation on stool every morning
Day 2: Meditate first thing, 30 mins + walking, coffee shop
Day 1: Regarding gym / exercise. Stop doing everything, wait for good feeling impulses. See what happens

When I first went self employed I suddenly had this whole morning period of 3-4 hours that I hadn't had for years and my intuition was that this period could really be the basis of everything going really well, if I finished every morning period feeling well (or feeling better than when I woke up) I'd be unstoppable.
I used to enjoy writing a little review at the end of every morning about 10am and it worked really well. I'd like to go back to that.
Meditating first thing is great. (If I look at the ups and downs of my life over the years, the down periods always coincide with losing faith in meditation and also forgetting how to do it). It's fascinating that I can meditate for 30mins and not really feel different at the end of it, but at random points soon after I can tell that all sorts of things are going a little better, I feel little better than I normally do at random points and when stressful thoughts pop up they simple don't land as much.
Like Ab Hicks says about meditation, bad feeling thinking sticks out so much more obviously.

Anyways - morning review! Meditation good, going out for a walk in fresh air good, coffee shop really good - this the bit where I actually get some waves of happiness. There was a slight down point - I got some impulses to go the gym to do just a hanging exercise - but I could tell by the way it felt it wasn't a genuinely good feeling impulse and more of a making myself excited to do an exercise ; whilst underneath that is a worry that I'm not working out enough. Feels crazy to write that, but yes, often in my mind is a worry that I'm not working out enough!. When I got to the gym I kinda enjoyed my first exercise and then the negative emotion increased about making myself do another - at this point I properly clocked it and walked out
I'll say again - thoughts of worry and self criticism often pop up that I am not working out enough - so crazy! My mind says if I don't make myself do this I won't ever do it and that would be bad etc. Truth is if I prioritise feeling happy, I know I will get good impulses not only to exercise/work out but to do this things that are really good for me.

While feeling happy on Saturday I got an impulse to go to H&B and check out their protein powders. I'd heard that getting 30g+ of protein within 30 mins of waking is really good for weight loss and it's stayed with me. I have eggs for breakfast but it takes too many eggs to hit 30g so wanted an easy way to bulk this up. I found some really appropriate looking powder heavily reduced and have added a water+powder shake to my breakfast the last couple of days and it feels so good. Really good. I don't get any sugar cravings throughout the day and occasionally I get good feeling cravings for actually nutritional food which is a great sign. It's like my body Is going, 'oh you're actually listening to me now? well then get this....'

oh yeah, morning review. If I was to do this morning again I would have avoided the gym and stayed an extra 30mins in the coffee shop.

[abrahammer117]

Day 4: morning review every day (how much fun was it?)
Day 9: 30 meditation on stool every morning
Day 5: Meditate first thing, walk outside 30mins+, coffee shop 45m+
Day 4: Regarding gym / exercise. Stop doing everything, wait for good feeling impulses. See what happens
Day 3: No internet at all in morning apart from writing here. No random internet at work
Day 2: 2 extra meditations a day; 15 min ambient sound.
Day 1: protein shake straight after waking, 40g protein

Morning review : )
Went well. My legs are feeling stronger and less stiff on my morning walks which is great and my natural walking speed is picking up a bit.
I had some waves of feeling pretty wonderful in the coffee shop. It's like my little reward for meditating and going for a good walk.
45 mins felt right and then I was excited to come home and read for a bit. I felt inspired to have a double portion protein shake straight after waking and felt really good. I also did some Wim Hot breathing for the first time in ages which was nice. Will I do anything different tomorrow? Feeling tempted to have a cold shower first thing before meditating, we'll see

Overall the gradual misidentification from mind is continuing - I'm noticing very familiar negative thoughts popping up and how for long periods before, these thoughts felt NEEDED FOR SELF PROTECTION and it's much easier to see that in fact they are resisting natural well-being.

[abrahammer117]

Day 7: morning review every day (how much fun was it?)
Day 12: 30 meditation on stool every morning
Day 8: Meditate first thing, walk outside 30mins+, coffee shop 45m+
Day 7: Regarding gym / exercise. Stop doing everything, wait for good feeling impulses. See what happens
Day 6: No internet at all in morning apart from writing here. No random internet at work
Day 5: 2 extra meditations a day; 15 min ambient sound.
Day 4: protein shake straight after waking, 40g protein

I've written the last 2 days but for some reason they've not saved - I'm sure this is me not paying attention rather than a site issue.
Morning review! I'm really feeling the benefit of a consistent and evolving morning pattern, I'm finding emotional relief easier and easier to come by

[abrahammer117]

Day 8: morning review every day (how much fun was it?)
Day 13: 30 meditation on stool every morning
Day 9: Meditate first thing, walk outside 30mins+, coffee shop 45m+
Day 8: Regarding gym / exercise. Stop doing everything, wait for good feeling impulses. See what happens
Day 5: protein shake straight after waking, 40g protein

Morning review.... really enjoying the consistency of my mornings and the feeling of it building up.
that's it for today

[abrahammer117]

Day 1: Meditate on stool first thing 20mins+ intention of quieting my mind. 15mins meditation straight ater work and before bed.
Day 1: morning review about 10am

I've got a bit ill over the weekend so I've reset the day trackers.
Overall my average mood is still improving - I've been saying this for 6 months now
I like that the improvement has been this slow and steady which makes it feel like there's no danger of suddenly falling backwards.
Yesterday I realised I actually felt genuinely optimistic for a moment or two. Good stuff!

The combination of having a bug and European football has thrown off my routines a bit haha. Looking forward to sitting for 15 mins when I get home.
I feel like writing it out again that my current base is ' if I sit and listen to sounds for 15 mins, I will feel a touch of emotional relief from my mind quieting down'
Doing this a few times a day really keeps me on the side following my emotional relief rather than my mind taking running the show, and my mind believes in strain and struggle

[abrahammer117]

Day 2: Meditate on stool first thing 20mins+ intention of quieting my mind. 15mins ambient sound meditation straight after work and before bed.
Day 2: morning review about 10am

My bug is getting better quickly which is nice - I think it was a post covid aftershock.
Overall I had a nice morning but noticing I am quite scatty after it due to watching some YouTube and stuff and checking emails pointlessly.
My meditations have shifted more to watching my mind and catching discursive thought - but I miss the feeling of doing lots of short 'listening to sounds meditations'
Gonna go back to that - like Hicks famous air conditioner meditation. Looking back, my finances did start improving after I started regularly doing these ambient sound sits.

I really enjoyed some wif hof breathing this morning and a cold shower. I'd like to have an internet free morning tomorrow!

[abrahammer117]

Day 3: Meditate on stool first thing 20mins+ intention of quieting my mind. 15mins ambient sound meditation straight after work and before bed.
Day 3: morning review about 10am

Really enjoyed my sounds meditation this morning and going to the coffee shop. I feel like my sanity is increasing and my habit of mental self violence and criticism is gradually ebbing away a little more each day

[abrahammer117]

Day 1: 4 meditations 15min sound meditations a day. First thing, end of morning period. After getting home from work. Immediately before sleep.
Day 3: morning review about 10am
Day 1: No eating during day

Nice morning. I'm feeling more of that urge to get back into 4 x 15 min sits a day of just listening to sounds. The more often I do it, the more I looks forward to it.
This morning was the first time in a while where I got in 15 mins at the ned of the morning and the second I started I felt relief.

Some great Ab Hicks style happenings - footfall has been SO quiet in our building the last 2 days , but out the blue somebody emailed wanting a £500 gift voucher (we've never even done one before!) and I got a refund of £31 from my bank for an error I didn't know they'd made - I checked it and yep, I've just made £31 for nothing!

Oh - I'm enjoying getting back into walking outside. My girlfriend randomly bought me a pair of shoes that are a size too big..... but turns out they are actually perfect and I've been wearing shoes a size too small for my whole life. wtf?

...

just had the inspiration to cancel my gym membership - feels like a weight off my shoulders!