The Abe Forum

What if my husband is Mr. Grumpy?


Q:
I'm new to this work. I've been doing it for about six months or so, and I've been doing the workshop and the meditation, which is wonderful. And one of the problems that I have is that my husband -– who is wonderful, I adore him -– but he's very negative, and I'll do my morning meditation and I do my workshop, and I just am elated and in total appreciation of the Universe, and I'm totally high and I'll go back in and he's Mr. Grumpy. And I'm....

Abe:
Well, the good news is: his vibration can't get into you. So whatever you are doing that is bringing you to that place of feeling good cannot be affected by his vibration, he cannot assert it into your experience.

Q: Right.

Abe:
And so, if you acknowledge him for a moment -– you walk in, he's Mr. Grumpy, it really hits you hard because he's in such a different place than you are. And you take the hit, and out of it you launch a rocket of desire which goes something like, "Gee, I wish he'd feel better. I wish he could find some of the joy I'm finding. I wish he felt as happy in this moment as I do."
And then you turn your full attention to this desire that's been born out of this experience, and you forget who he is and instead pretend he is this so that you let him stimulate your vibration relative to him in a way that feels good to you. And with a little bit of practice, you can begin seeing him as he really is, not as he temporarily is.

Q: Okay.

Abe:
In other words, he doesn't like feeling grumpy any more than you like him feeling grumpy, but here's the thing: so here you stand, let's say you've been meditating, you've been walking, you're feeling really good. You come in and, under normal circumstances, if you were just following your bliss you would just keep running, you wouldn't even stop at that house where the grumpy one is. (Laughter from audience.)

Because it's not a vibrational match to who you are!

But you have this obligation, in other words, you have this commitment, you have this paper that says you live there and so (more laughter) you stop there, you defy the guidance that is within you, and you do what you 'should' do rather than what your guidance would encourage you to do otherwise. In other words, don't you find yourself making as many excuses as you can to do all the other things that feel good and then you sort of drag yourself home because the – and so, there you are.

You've been hit with the negative vibration, or with the different vibration, and it doesn't feel very good, and now in that moment you have a choice: which thought feels better? So now you can look at him as he is, and as you address it, whether you're saying 'yes' to it or 'no' to it or you're saying 'this is what it is' -– it does not matter whether you're making any judgment about it or not -– as you observe his vibration, whatever it is, it begins to be included in your vibration.

Q: Yeah.

Abe:
And you begin to feel the drowning of your cork, you begin to feel the lowering of your vibration, you begin to feel the separation of you from your Source energy. And then the impulse for most –- we're not feeling it much in you, you're using light and fluffy sweet-like words about this grumpy darling (laughter) –- as you acknowledge that he is the temporary reason that you are not as connected to your Source energy as you once were.

Now here's where your choice comes in. You can call that a bad thing and really be unhappy about it, or you can acknowledge that he is just a particle of the Universe that has achieved his vibration in whatever way he has and let him vibrate however he chooses while you fill your head or your mind or your day with thoughts that feel better to you. And what will begin to happen is, you will be living in your endless loop while he is living in his endless loop, and one or the other of you will then make the decision to join the other.

Q:
Right. Part of what I -– and I'm a fixer, probably a typical woman, I want to help people, sort of... so I want to fix him, I want to share with him my delight and my joy, and I know that's part of where the problem is, going in and....

Abe:
Well, the problem with that, you see, nothing is more annoying to the one being fixed (laughter) than to be in the place of not feeling very good and have some bright-eyed, bushy-tailed person trying to fix them. In other words, nobody wants to learn that they're the creator of their own reality when they're in a place they don't like being. In other words, you're wanting to watch for his time of connection before you offer -– in other words, here's the rule of thumb: talk endlessly to your mate as long as you are feeling good while you are talking.

Q: Okay.

Abe:
In other words, share with him endlessly as long as you are feeling good. And the most important thing that we would say to you about this specific person is he is finding his own way of connecting, and his way may not be your way, and it doesn't make his way wrong or your way right or other way around. Because you are both wanting the same thing. We promise you that there is not anything that he would want for you more than for you to be joyful!

But sometimes when a person is really joyful and you want to be joyful but aren't, their joy just reminds you that you're not where you want to be. And the response looks like they don't really want you to be joyful when if you were to ask him, he wants your joy as much as he wants life itself. He loves the fact that you are joyful. And so what you have to do, is not give so much attention to how he's feeling.

In other words, how he's feeling is really much less of your business than you think that it is.

Don't give so much of your attention to how he's feeling. Let your attention be about how *you're* feeling. And now here's where it becomes a little complex, but here's where the answer is: "How am I feeling about how you're feeling?" (Laughter.) "How am I feeling about how you're feeling? Well, you're feeling crummy, and now I'm feeling crummy about your feeling crummy, which means you now have power in my experience." And so what you're wanting '– you're wanting to feel good about him feeling crummy. Now, how can you feel good about him feeling crummy? (Laughter.)

-By understanding that it's temporary, by understanding that he's not always [feeling crummy],
-by understanding that you sometimes feel crummy too but that you can raise your vibration,
-by understanding that in that crummy experience there is a rocket of desire that is going off, and
-by understanding that the rocket of desire is the nugget.
-By understanding that his life experience is honing out something that is very powerful.

And sometimes you can stand back at a distance while he's having this contrasting experience and as he gives birth to a rocket of desire sometimes you can get a glimpse of the rocket even though he can't. And so, when your grumpy friend launches a rocket and you start looking at the rocket instead of at your grumpy friend, now you're in a place that you're helping.

In other words, now you're anticipating on his behalf! That's what a true uplifter does –- you let the contrast produce the rocket and you fixate on his rocket of desire, even though he can't, because when you fixate on someone you love's rocket of desire, they are more likely to find vibrational harmony with it every now and again, too. It's like, you're a satellite dish beaming the signal and making it more accessible to him!

Q: Mm-hm.

Abe:
But when you do the opposite, which is to say, "Oh. You're feeling crummy. Now I'm feeling crummy," all that's happened is that he has influenced you into a lower vibration when what you want is to influence him into a higher vibration.

Q:
And that's not what he wants anyway. To bring me down. Yes.

Abe:
Last thing he wants. The last thing he wants is to be down himself, you see. Nobody gets discouraged on purpose. Nobody feels unworthy on purpose. None of you did it all at once. All of you did it just one little thought at a time, and you'll get out of it one little thought at a time, too.

Oh, it is so exhilarating, it is such a gift to give to a grumpy person (laughter), to be joyful yourself! Because every part of him wants that, and there is an osmosis that begins to take place. In other words, you just can't be around a joyful person without either being driven to crisis or becoming more joyful yourself. And in either case, another rocket of desire will be born. In other words, the crisis just produces stronger desire which makes the happy person that is around you even more influential.

Think about it! No one can lose, no matter what the circumstances are, because you can choose this end of the stick and focus upon it, which means Law of Attraction will embellish and enhance and give you more of that. Or you can focus on [the other] end of the stick which just means that sooner or later you're going to shoot off a rocket of desire. And so in either case the desire will be born within you, in either case you will be the fulfilling of the intention that you established.

The question that we are asking here is: how long are you willing to stand in a place of not being a vibrational match to your desires?

Why are you tolerating the uncomfortable vibration? We want to put it to you very bluntly, and so we will. (Laughter.) Why are you using your husband as even a temporary excuse to not feel as joyful as you want and deserve to feel? "I don't know, it's just habit. Doesn't feel very good, though." It's because most of you have not understood what your guidance system is, and most of you have not understood that you are wired selfishly! That you are wired to feel good. You are wired to feel good.

But so many of you think that "now that I'm wired to feel good, that means the rest of the world should stand on its head in order to provide something good-feeling for me to observe." And the rest of the world is not one bit interested in satisfying your selfish desire, because the rest of the world is after *its* selfish desire, and that's the way it must be!

That's why everything continues to evolve. The one-celled amoeba is out there in the ocean having its personal experience and having its personal exposure to its personal experience, and its desire is being born, and in the moment that its desire is being born Nonphysical is answering it, and that is why it is evolving as it is. That is why all things in this Universe are as they are. Everything is evolving because the Universe is answering every selfish desire.

Q:
The other thing, what you were just talking about is, it's kind of like when I get to feeling so good and I'm confronted with his mood, it brings to mind the question of since the rest of the world isn't as joyous and hasn't reached that state, how can I feel about being there myself when there's...?

Abe:
Because you are selfishly wired, and because when you look in the pile of sticks, there are plenty of things you can look at. And because what you're saying otherwise is, "How do I have the right to feel good when there are others who do not feel so good?"

Q: Right.

Abe:
And we say: you can't get sick enough to make the sick ones well.

Q: (Laughing.) Right.

Abe:
You can't get poor enough to make the poor ones prosperous. In other words, that's not the way that it works! The way that it works -– your only hope in helping anyone, is to connect to the stream, and when you connect to the stream, then the Source energy flows through you, and then- whatever you are giving your attention benefits, you see.

But you must be selfish enough to keep yourself in vibrational concert with that stream before you have anything to give anyone, you see.
You are joy-seeking beings who have come forth into what we see as the perfect environment for desire to be born within you. What this workshop is about –- we know you could speak it as clearly as we can now, we've said it enough times to you today -– what your work is about, is to bring yourself into vibrational harmony with allowing the energy that is you, to flow. And in simple terms, what that means is, your work is to look wherever you stand, whether you are looking in the past, present or future, your work is to consume your now with the thought that feels best. With the thought that feels best, with the thought that feels best, with the thought that feels best.

And there are always choices there for you! In other words, you can look at the hole in the wall or you can look at the beautiful painting. You can look at the lightbulb that is out, or you can see the lightbulb that is working. You can look at your mate in his positive aspect, or you can look at your mate in his negative aspect. You can look at your own body and find something that pleases you, or find something that doesn't. You can remember your childhood and find something of pleasure, or you can find something that makes you feel discouraged. You can remember a compliment or you can remember somebody down on you. You can remember your love- or you can remember your hate.

In other words, you have that choice in every moment, and you are the definers of that. You are focusers of energy, that's what a creator is. A creator is someone who stands in their now and focuses energy, and you are in the perfect environment to do that, you see. There.

Fear of getting judged


Questioner has fear of being judged.

A: Well, that’s a valid fear, because they will judge you.

Q. Right.

A. And so if that bothers you then..because people are going to observe you and they can only see you through their framework and so many people would feel better if you would comply to what they think they need you to do so that they will feel better... but you sort of got to get over that...(laughter)

Q: And how do I get over it? (laughter) ...

Q. I know when you do have a thought that you don’t feel good about...

A. Such as...

Q. Such as walking into a store in a new city and you’re afraid that people are looking at you and judging you and then I go in and I say, "Well, no, God’s within you, you are God, there is nothing wrong with you." Is that just putting a bandaid on it?

A.
Well, the reason it feels to you like you are putting a bandaid on it is that’s not solving the situation for you and here’s why:

So let’s say that for whatever reason you have been fostered in an environment where you were trained to care deeply about what other people thought and you’re not alone in that because most people need to control your behavior so that they can feel good, it happened in your home, it happens in the school system, it happens in the traffic. IOW there are so many things around you where they expect your behavioral compliance or they won’t feel so good and they’ll punish you because they want to feel good. IOW that’s sort of the way your physical world has come round to...

So lets say that for whatever reason in whatever way it happened to you, you are very sensitive to the opinions of others and you walk into an environment like you said and you feel them looking at you and disapproving and you think I don’t like this feeling.
I should jump into the bright-eyed bushy-tailed fluffy... I should love them. (laughter)

But you’re very far from that vibration and so when someone is looking at you, looking you over and you can see disapproval in their face, what is the first knee jerk reaction that comes from you, most of you, maybe not you? Don’t you wanna say... "Who are you?" Don’t you wanna say..."You wear those shoes and you’ve got the nerve to look at me?" Don’t you wanna say..."Who combed your hair today?" Doesn’t just a little feeling of revenge sort of bubble up like a life-giving breath of fresh air?

Now you and a lot of other people may not let yourself go there because you’ve been trained to believe that you should have love in your heart and you should not condemn them just because they are condemning you, but we wanna say to you that you can’t jump from being condemned and taking it hard all the way into love and sunshine and joy. You can’t do it; the frequencies are too far apart and we think that the knee-jerk response of revenge or anger is an approved vibration for you and what we feel from you and from so many who are sensitive and who want to be uplifters is that many of you have disallowed yourself the stepping stones along the way_on_the_way_ to your love and appreciation of everyone.

It’s sort of like... Jerry and Esther wanting to go from Phoenix to San Diego and finding themselves in Yuma and being so discouraged that they are not yet in san diego that they get disoriented and turn around and go back to phoenix.

So they go...(quickly)
phoenix yuma
phoenix yuma
phoenix yuma
phoenix yuma
phoenix yuma
and in time they say (dramatically and with angst), "We’ll neeeeever get to San Diegoooo. We must not be woooorthy of san diego. We must have done something in a past life that prevents us from getting to gooooo to san diego. There must be something in YUMA that is a higher puuuuurpose fooor us. God must want us to be in yuma. We must have done something really bad in a past life and karma tells us that _yuma_is_ our_ place_. (Huge audience laughter).

And we say, you come up with a lot of really funny things to explain why you don’t just line up with what you want, you see. So our message to you is you don’t line up all at once; you line up gradually.

Abraham, Boulder Workshop, CO 06-11-05

When ITV people are trying to help, they can be annoying rascals, too!


Nothing is more annoying, than to be in the place of not feeling very good,
and to have some bright eyed, bushy tailed person trying to fix you!!

Abe

You can form a fantasy about someone in your life,
and they will begin to modify to meet your fantasy.
Because Law of Attraction is a very powerful thing.

Abraham Hicks

Abraham: Did His Father Abandon Him or Free Him?



Abraham - San Francisco, CA 8/10/02

G: It's simple to say that he (his birth father) abandoned me, but now...

A: Or freed you.

G: I hadn't thought about it that way, because...

A: ...Freed you to be the chooser of your life without the influence of someone already undecided and unsure.

G: And troubled, he had...

A: Someone who wants more than anything to be of value. Who recognizes that he cannot guide his own life, what possibility does he have of guiding another...

G: Oh Abraham, this is wonderful.

A: ...and wisely said, "You'll do alright."

G: He used to spend a lot of his time in his fishing boat. He didn't, he was very much a loner.

A: He was much more a connected being than you have ever been allowed to believe that he was. Because those who wanted to justify to you his absence, had to make his being gone, wrong.

G: Ahhhh, exactly.

A:They couldn't let his absence be a noble thing, or a virtuous thing, or a guided thing, or a connected thing. It had to be a wrong thing. So you were spoon fed misinformation.

G: Because he got a lot of this ying, ying, yang from his family.

A: Of course he did. He did not stay put. And he did not allow them to pigeonhole him. And he refused to suffer in the ways that they chose to suffer.

G: Well now, because of the vibrational match, now Abraham, I did the very same thing. I fathered a child in another part of the world.

A: And then that child is blessed as you have been blessed.

G: Ahhhaaa. When I think of all the cheap melodrama I've gone through in my own head about all this. I don't have any guilt anymore. I freed him, too. Didn't I?

A:
You did what so many of you intend to do. You come forth and provide an avenue for focused consciousness to have physical experience understanding that while guidance can be beneficial, that guidance is always coming from broader perspective and that Well Being is the order of things.
And so we're just using your example to sort of balance things out just a little bit. There's no right or wrong behavior. We're not saying it's wrong for a father to leave, or it's wrong for a father to stay. Or it's right to live in this way - wrong to live in that way. What we are saying is, you can't get it wrong. And your father didn't get it wrong. And you didn't get it wrong.
And anybody who's decided to make that wrong, is just using that as their temporary excuse to not allow themselves to have all of the riches that this environment is offering to them otherwise, you see.

You can use anything you want as your excuse to not allow Well Being in. And it is amazing how flimsy some of these excuses are. And on your world stage, many would say, "Abraham, this is far from a flimsy excuse...
We would focus in the more poignant now. We would make our relationship with our Source...

G: Oh, all right.

A: about things that you understand fully...

G: Yes, yes.

A: and not nebulous things you are piecing together. Since your father is not unhappy or unhealthy; since there is nothing that can be gained by going back and retracing it, then we just do not encourage it.
We encourage you instead to find something that is tangible in your NOW. And use that to activate your vibration and connect to your Source Energy, as a result of something that is more current.

It is exactly the reason that we think thses virtual realities are so lovely, and delicious, and life giving, and helpful. In other words, we would rather you get into a pure fantasy - than face any kind of factual reality, if the factual reality has the potential of taking you into a place that does not feel good.