"Nothing matters more to me, than that I feel good."
(Abe)
...I Imagine my life as I want it to be!
Day 9
I decided to ENJOY my time, no matter if my "big stuff" is there or not, yet!
I want to celebrate ME, today!
Totally selfish. Totally egoistically ME, ME, ME!!!
Yesterday, we had the very first snow in my area. This is always such a nice moment! I insisted to scrap enough up to form a snowball, that I could post as "status" on whatsapp to all my family and friends... SELFISHLY! Not a picture of beautiful snow, but of ME (me,me, me!!) with a snowball!
And so I did. It felt so eager! It felt happy. It felt confident. It felt as being SEEN! And I liked it!!!
And today, I was at the hairdresser, first time since 6 months. And I wanted to have red hair again! Look, here is ME! I, myself and me!!! But I had forgotten that I would sit 3 hours in front of a huge mirror where I would see EVERY wrinkle, and EVERY extra pound... and my hairdresse asked me finally, why I would sit so stiff. If I didn't want to relax? ...I love her very much, and the two of us are always talk philosophy, and I build her up every time to be more confident... and so, I told her how sad I felt that my body doesn't look like I would love it to look. And there, she brought me a black cloak and hood (my color needed to settle, so I could wear it)... so that I could hide under them and get back into balance, in my own time.
I felt SO thankful for this gentle help! For NOT motivating me, but SOOTHING me, and TRUSTING that I would get into balance eventually-just, being nice to myself, not pushing me, not kicking me... LOVING myself unconditionally and giving me what I yearned for RIGHT NOW.
And it worked! My F* it habit came back, and my mood swung back into being NICE to myself.
And I got my bold red color, and I love it. First thing that I did when I was ready was, I went behind the house of my Friseur (she lives on an isolated farm, all around are just ponds and meadows, and storm- today...) and held my head into the wind, that blew all the cute neat artistic curls, that are SO not me, into the wild mane that IS me. I felt sooo happy in this!!
And then, I got so inspired by the bold red color, that I (first time since months) looked for nice lothes in awesome colors in my wardrobe... and enjoyed to put on make-up. Ohh, it is NICE to care for myself!! I have so much fun to relax into the pain and embrace it, in trying and playing and posing and ENJOYING!!! Thank you, life!!
It is ALL good. I have my preferences, and that is ok!
I have my desires, and I am not there yet, and that is ok!
I can embrace myself NO MATTER WHAT and love me, and that is ok!
I can embrace myself and birth rockets of desire, and it is perfectly ok!
I can embrace myself and think, wow, I look beautiful! And that is ok, as well. It is ALL wonderful ok!!
